My Rants, My Raves, My Business...

Finding My Way Back

LRA — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 15:40:06 +0000

I have been wandering in the wilderness these last four months. Lost and confused spiritually. But I know better than to allow the work of man and the enemy distract me from the spiritual path God would have me to walk. I am claiming victory right now for where God will lead me and what He will have me to do.

Exhausted

LRA — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 14:19:37 +0000

I find myself very tired nowadays. I am so busy with work and school and a troubled child that I have nothing left for myself age the wear is starting to show.

It often kills me when folks want to advise me on how wrongly I live my life as a parent but they do not know what I have been through or where I have come through. It is exhausting dealing with a child who is troubled, who you know is hurting and why he is hurting and yet you are powerless to help him.

I am going to stay prayerful and faithful that the LORD will work this out on our behalf.

New year-new possibilities

LRA — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 20:32:55 +0000

And a new me! I had my surgery which led to bye bye back, neck, and shoulder pain. Do I ache now as I heal-of course I do! But that’s temporary. The only challenge now is not being able to run just yet while I heal-I’m going a little stir crazy in that regard. The past couple of weeks I’ve been riding the recumbent bike at the gym for 5.3 miles twice a week while my oldest is in Tae Kwan Do. I can’t wait to start running again though-I miss the release it gives me.

I’m still job searching and can’t wait to see where the Lord decides to plant us next. I’ve been so busy trying to hold on to the past that it’s impaired my future. But my life is 1/2 over and I can’t stay stuck in the past-not relationships, not patterns, not thoughts. I’m seeking more positive interactions and nurturing relationships than I’ve allowed myself to have in the past.

Closure

LRA — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 01:25:58 +0000

It doesn’t hurt anymore!

I finally got to say what I needed to say-was it in depth and detailed? No, but it didn’t need to be.

If you do what you’ve always done you will get what you’ve always gotten. And for someone to try to paint themselves as a different person-waiting is so important! I’m glad I did-for their true colors did not take long to show themselves. I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of the games. I’m tired of the drama and then folks pretending they don’t want drama when all they do is interact and hang out with folks who keep it up, and then talk about it like they are a victim when really they are a ready and willing participant.

I truly feel free. Doesn’t mean there’s no love there. It just means I’m no longer slave to it. Pardon the language, but to paraphrase Spike, I’m no longer love’s bitch, and I’m woman enough to admit it!

Revelations

LRA — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 21:46:19 +0000

God reveals all we need to know if we wait on Him.

It was revealed today something that I long suspected and that the Spirit was convicting me of, but I was starting to delude myself otherwise. Now that the revelation has been made, I’m much better able to step out on faith. I must continue to trust that God will not lead me in the wrong direction, and thank God that I did not allow a situation that would have caused further hurt and harm to my children or myself to transpire that would cause great risk to our spiritual lives.

I’m praying for a new job, so pray with me saints!

My American Food Crisis

LRA — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 14:55:34 +0000

I went to Einstein Bagel’s about two weeks ago now and was astounded at a rice krispie treat that was nothing short of ginormous. And as much as we read about the fact that we eat to much as Americans it really hit me that the way food is packaged to us and presented to us is designed to fatten us up as a nation.

So I’ve started a new project. For the next week I plan to photograph everything I eat for each meal. I need some accountability for myself because I recognize that I am an emotional eater and I would like to to get my eating habits back on track.

Breakfast today:

And this is what was left when I was done eating-I just had had enough:

I wonder how much of that is related to the fact that I went running for the first time in a month this morning. Having been down from bronchitis the last month I decided to start slow so I went back to week 4 of the Podrunner intervals where you are walking a couple of minutes and running a couple of minutes. The good thing is that my lungs didn’t burn like they did when I initially started running, but I can tell my endurance took a serious hit. No worries though-through time and perseverance I’ll get it back on track!

The Answer is Blowing in the Wind…

LRA — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 12:32:54 +0000

“Yes how many times can man turn his head pretending he just doesn’t see?”

Bob Dylan

The answer is indeed blowing in the wind. Extending forgiveness to others is a freeing and liberating feeling. It does the soul good and releases you from burdens that you didn’t even realize existed.

But does forgiveness equal absolution? Yes. And yet, I find myself unable to stop thinking about the carnage that was left in her wake. I forgive her, just as I forgave him, but I don’t know that I can just disregard the carnage left in the wake. Especially when it appears that you are disregarding it, not making any attempt to make amends for it with others as you are attempting to do with me.

You pulled me into the middle of your soap opera. You trashed and maligned my name. And when you were done with me, you went on to do the same with others, who also had nothing to do with your situation, but we were easy targets because we were kind and caring and loving, and wanting what was best, and invested ourselves in a person we thought to be our friend to make sure that you would be okay. And you left us high and dry after using us to the end of our ability to give.

There is forgiveness for that. And I pray that you find it in your heart to seek the forgiveness that has already been granted. And I pray that you seek God for forgiveness that you so desperately need-delusion and unbelief or the largest roadblocks to a sincere relationship with God that exist.

But perhaps that is the answer as I write this. I know of the carnage, but it is the Lord’s job to convict a person of their sin and draw that person to a place where they have a repentant heart. It’s not my job to point that out…or is it?

The answer is blowing in the wind…

The Surreal Life

LRA — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:00:44 +0000

I don’t know why I’ve always been so drawn to him. I don’t know what it is about him that can allow the things to happen that have happen and I still can seriously consider and even WANT to be in a relationship with him.

We talked for four hours last night. It’s always been so easy to talk to him. Even though we haven’t spoken in months, the easy rhythm we always seem to have with each other came back effortlessly. I still find it a little astonishing that he would even consider wanting to be with me, but he says that he does. He cried. I cried. But we both need time. He needs time to put his life back in order and finish dealing with the hurt of the past two years. I need time to wrap my mind around the concept of giving it a third try-yes, third try. But deeper than that I want to make sure without a doubt that God is in the center of this, with a foundation built on HIM, not the quicksand we built our previous foundations on.

Falling or Forgiving?

LRA — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:54:35 +0000

We spent several hours on the phone last night talking about IT. You know the IT I am referring to- the break up and the time since. He says he was afraid to call-I told him where things were left it did not seem to me that he wanted to be bothered so I left him alone. It would appear he is running scared though he doesn’t appear to see it for himself- he has admitted he is not in any real position to be in a relationship that is healthy ( not that I was offering or seeking one, but am glad he finally sees it)-yet at the same time he just broke up with someone in the past week that he tried to reconcile with two weeks ago and has already declared to be “psycho stalker.”

If only he would truly submit himself to the Lord and stop panicking about being alone he would heal and be whole and able to be used of the work the Lord would have him to do, but he appears to be afraid to do so. I will continue to pray.

I cannot sit here and deny that I don’t still love him. I will probably always love him. But I also recognize that we may not be meant to be given where he is, and friendship is the best we can hope for at this point.

5 Minutes to Reach Minimum Safe Distance

LRA — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:15:20 +0000

Definition: (ordnance) In an atomic explosion, the total distance from desired ground zero (DGZ) to friendly positions required to ensure troops safety.

Let me briefly channel my girl Chloe from Smallville as I think I just had a wall of weird experience this morning. I received a phone call from a person I DO NOT KNOW about a person I hadn’t spoken to in SEVEN MONTHS about her relationship with said person.

Hmm….countdown?

I keep a minimum safe distance from, oh, EVERYBODY. Meaning this-I stay to myself. I’m focused on raising my boys, going to school, getting my body and mind back on track, and strengthening my relationship with the Lord. If a conversation I have with a person cannot be on the up and up I don’t have it. If it is not about family or spiritual things, we don’t talk. It took me a long time to get back to a good healthy level of functioning after the events of the past two years, and I want to keep it that way. I have a peace that passeth all understanding-AND I WILL HACK SOMEONE UP INTO SMALL PIECES FOR THREATENING IT IN ORDER TO KEEP IT!! So my five minutes to minimum safe distance is enough space away from people not to be drawn into their drama.

This phone call…reeks of drama.

I don’t know what’s going on, nor do I want to know.

I do know that I can only pray for those involved…and stay in the minimum safe distance zone.